KK7AYJ Cigarette Annette’s Joke of the Week


Service Rivalry
Two Marines boarded a flight out of Atlanta headed to San Antonio. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
As the plane took off and reached cruising altitude, the Army soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Army soldier in the aisle seat, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the soldier returned with the Coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the soldier obligingly went to fetch the drink, and while he was gone, the second Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the flight to San Antonio.
As the plane was landing, the soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier mused. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes–and peeing in Cokes?”



Amish Lesson
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this thing, Father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, shrugged, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I have no idea what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde in a miniskirt stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”





 The Paint Job
“The Paint Job A newly arrived immigrant, wanting to earn some money but lacking legal status to get a job, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, I supposed you can paint my porch,” the man said, sympathetic to the poor immigrant. “How much will you charge?”
The immigrant said, “How about 50 dollars?”
“For the whole porch?” the man said, astonished.
He readily agreed, and told her that the paint, brushes, and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should, she was standing on it.”
A short time later, the immigrant came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked.
“Yes,” the immigrant answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”
Impressed with her work ethic and efficiency, the man reached in his pocket for the $ 50, and he added another $ 20 as a tip.
The immigrant pocketed the money, and as she turned to leave, she said, “By the way, it’s not a Porch. It’s a Ferrari.””



Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, “Oh, I’m really thirsty for some fresh blood.” The other bat is amazed and says, “Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can’t be exposed to any light-you know we’ll die.”
“Yeah, I know,” says the first bat, “but I’m really starving for it.” So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
“You lucky thing. Where’d you find blood that quick?” asked the second bat. “You see that tree over there in the distance?” mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood. “Yeah, I think I do!” “Well, I didn’t.””




“A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch.
Curious, the seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies “I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off”. “Wow!” said the seaman.
“What about the hook”? “Well…”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”?”
A seagull dropping fell into my eye”, replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked. “Well…” said the pirate, “That was my first day with the hook.””



“A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”.
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she’s laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle!””


A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around.
The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats.
A carpenter’s brain sells for $ 1.50 per pound.
A plumber’s brain sells for $ 2.25 per pound.
He noticed with alarm that a politician’s brain sells for $ 375.00 a pound.
With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. The owner responded with a blank look on his face, “Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?””




“A man walks into a pet shop and says, “I want to buy a pet, but something special, something different.” The pet shop owner says he has a talking centipede. “Really?” asks the man. “How much?” He pays the $ 75 to the shopkeeper and takes his new pet home.
Once there, he lays the matchbox with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, “Hello, Mr. Centipede! Fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?” The centipede doesn’t say anything. “You must be tired from your journey,” the man says. “I’ll give you some time to rest up and ask again.”
An hour later he opens the match box and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede! Fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?” The centipede again says nothing. Now the man is becoming suspicious, but he figures he’ll wait another hour and if the centipede doesn’t start talking, he’ll bring it back to the pet shop and demand a refund.”
Another hour later, he opens the box again and says, “Hello Mr. Centipede! Fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?” “I heard you the first two times, you moron!” the centipede yells. “Let’s see how quickly you can put on one-hundred boots without opposable thumbs!””





“A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees him from afar and remarks, “I’ve never seen his kind before, but he looks edible.” So the lion rushes toward the dog, ready to eat him up. The dog notices the lion’s approach and almost panics, but just when he is about to make a run for it, he spots a large pile of bones next to him and says loudly, “Yummy! That was some good lion meat!””
“The lion abruptly stops, thinking to himself, “Whoa! He’s tougher than he looks! I better leave while I still can.” Over by the tree top, a clever monkey witnessed everything and she thinks she can earn a favor from the feared lion by telling him what really happened. She lets the lion know he’d been tricked, and the lion, angry, says, “Hop on my back. We’ll confront the fiend together.”
With the monkey on his back, the lion rushes toward the dog again. When the dog sees them, he almost panics and just when he’s about to make a run for it, he gets another idea. He shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another lion almost an hour ago!””


“Two men with Alzheimer’s are at the beach, when they start to get hungry. The first man, Ray, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl says, “Sure. What do you want?”
“I’ll have vanilla ice cream in a cone with sprinkles and chocolate sauce,” says Ray. “Got it! I’ll be right back,” Carl says. He starts to walk off, but Ray calls out to him, “Carl! Do you still remember what I want?” “Yes!” says Carl. “Vanilla ice cream in a cone, sprinkles, and chocolate sauce!””
“Great,” Ray says, and Carl walks further away from him. But Ray thinks again and calls out to Carl one more time, “Don’t forget now, Carl!” “I won’t!” Carl calls back. “Vanilla ice cream in a cone with sprinkles and chocolate sauce!”
Carl is nearly at the food vendor when Ray yells to him one more time, “Carl! Don’t forget what I want!” “I told you, I won’t! Vanilla ice cream, in a cone, with sprinkles and chocolate sauce!” Carl yells back, frustrated.
A little while later, Carl returns with two burgers. “For pete’s sake, Carl!” Ray says. “You forgot my fries!””


An attorney arrives home late after a very tough day trying to get his client a stay-of-execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he feels worn out and depressed. As soon as he walks through the door at home, his wife starts in on him.
“What a time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it!” Too beat to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he pours himself a shot of whiskey and heads off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks from his wife as he drags himself up the stairs.
While he’s in the bath, the phone rings. The wife answers and is told that her husband’s client, Bartholomew Wright, has been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.”
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decides to go upstairs to give him the good news. She opens the bathroom door and sees her husband bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They’re not hanging Wright tonight!” she says.
He whirls around and screams, “For the love of God, woman, don’t you ever stop?!”


One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day.
The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax. When he got there, Miss Clause was all up in his face and wouldn’t let down.
Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sleigh and they were joining the elves walkout.
Santa slammed the door and threatened “The next person who knocks on that door is going to get it!” At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel.
The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa’s house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, “Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?”
And that is the story of how the angel atop of the tree began.


A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers.  There weren’t as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I do not understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”  “Slower than the speed limit?  No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken and they have not muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern. “Oh, they will be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Route 215.”



Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, “One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!”
On Thanksgiving morning, Martha’s preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens the door, pale as a ghost. He says, “You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again.”



An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car…
Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.
He yells, “Look what you did to my car…!!!”
“You’re going to give me $10,000 right now or I’m going to beat you to a pulp!”
“Oh my…” the old man said nervously, “I don’t have that kind of money.”
“Let me call my son…,” he said with hope, “he trains dolphins and he will know what to do.”
“Dolphins..!?!?!” the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.
The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man.
“So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh..?!?!” The irate man yelled, “Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I’m going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp…!!”
“I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he finished, he walked over to his father and said….
“For the last time dad, I train Seals…
Navy Seals.”
“NOT dolphins..!!”


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5: 00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5: 00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9: 00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, It is 5: 0 0 A.M. Wake up.
“Reconcile soonest if you want to avoid inconvenience, like getting late. Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.”



In a hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. 

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, “you may use the ladies’ room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He could not resist.

The man pushed WW. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed WA button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies’ restroom was more than a restroom; it is tender loving.

When the powder puff is completed, he could not wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be a supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew when he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him. “What happened?“ he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

The nurse replied, “The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your Penis is under your pillow”.


Wrong Number 

“Hello, hi Honey, this is Daddy, is Mommy near the phone?” 

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” 

“But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”.

“Uh, okay then, … this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead” 

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?”… “We do not have swimming pool!”

“Is this 486-5731?”

“NO! our phone number is 486-5713, you’ve got the wrong number….”


The Story of Refrigerator

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere.
So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.” St. Peter could not deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!” St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
“Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this, I am naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”


The Story of the Milking Machine
A Farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his “manhood” into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he could not remove the instrument from his ‘member’. He read the manual but did not find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank God for cell phones!). “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?”
“Do not worry,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once it has collected two gallons.”




A frog walks into a bank and up to the teller and says hi my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like a loan.

The woman behind the counter says nice to meet you I’m Patty I hate to tell you this but we don’t loan frogs money.

Kermit says oh no it’s okI brought in this family heirloom as collateral and I hate to throw this out there but my dad is Mick Jagger.

Patty says I’m sorry but I’m going to have to get a manager’s approval.  So the manager gets called over and says what seems to be the problem Ms Whack to which Patty says this frog came in for a loan, he gave me this ceramic elephant as collateral and he says his dad is Mick Jagger. This is highly unusual and I don’t know what to do.

The manager sighs and rolls his eyes and says oh for god’s sakes it’s a Knick Knack Paddy Whack give the frog a loan his old man is a Rolling Stone.


The Devil sat at the gates of hell…

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell.
“Why don’t you start with how you died, and we’ll figure it out.” He said.

The old man sighed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So, what did you do?” The Devil asked.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was!

I did the only thing I could!

I grabbed my walking stick, and I cracked it over the head. Now my eyesight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you must kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice; you need to see their guts to know they’re dead. Otherwise, they’ll be back with others.”

“So, you killed it?” The Devil asked.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialed a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh, that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”


Tragic Accident

These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.

St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.

Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.

Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.

The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.” 


Long Life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life,

the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.



Cold Water

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”



No joke this week but Annette returns on 7/13 🙂


In a small town far away, a young man started his own business—a dime store at the corner of two streets.

He was a good man.

He was honest and friendly, and the people loved him.

They bought his goods, and they told their friends about him.

His business grew and he expanded his store.

In a matter of years, he developed his one store into a chain from coast to coast.

One day, he was taken ill to the hospital, and the doctors feared that his life was ending soon.

He called together all three of his adult children and gave them this challenge: “One of the three of you will become the president of this company that I have built over the years.

To decide which one of you deserves to become the president, I am going to give each of you a one-dollar bill.

Go today and buy whatever you can with that one dollar, but when you get back here to my hospital room this evening, whatever you buy with your dollar must fill this room from corner to corner.”

The children were all excited at the opportunity to run such a successful organization.

Each went to town and spent the dollar.

When they came back in the evening, the father asked, “Child number one, what have you done with your dollar?”

“Well, Dad,” he said, “I went to my friend’s farm, gave him my dollar, and bought two bales of hay.”

With that, the son went outside the room, brought in the bales of hay, undid them, and began to throw the hay up into the air.

For a moment, the room was filled with hay.

But in a few moments, the hay all settled on the floor and the room was not completely filled from corner to corner, as the father had instructed.

“Well, child number two, what have you done with your dollar?

“I went to Sears,” he said, “and bought two pillows made with feathers.” He then brought in the pillows, opened them, and threw the feathers all over the room.

In time, all the feathers settled down on the floor and the room was still not filled.

“And you, child number three,” the father added, “what have you done with your dollar?”

“I took my dollar, Dad, and went to a store like the one you had years ago,” the third child said.

“I gave the owner my dollar and asked him for some change.

Some quarters, dimes, and nickels.

I invested 50 cents of my dollar in something very worthwhile, just like the Bible says.

Then I gave 20 cents of my dollar to two charitable organizations in our city.

Twenty more cents I donated to our church.

That left me with one dime.

With the dime, I bought two items.”

The son then reached in his pocket and took out a little matchbook and a little candle.

He lit the candle, turned off the light switch, and the room was filled.

From corner to corner, the room was filled—not with hay, not with feathers, but with light.

His father was delighted.

“Well done, my son.

You will become president of this company because you understand a very important lesson about life.

You understand how to let your light shine.

That is good.”



Factory Only Hires Married Men

Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men.

One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.

Brenda demanded to know, ‘Why is it you limit your employees to married men?  Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous…….or what?’

‘Not at all, Ma’am,’ the Factory Manager replied. ‘It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.’


Tommy Bought A Horse

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”

Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”

Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”

Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”



A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.

The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”

Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”

The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”

The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”


Eye Popping

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So, he joins her table, and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”


 Surgeon Talk…

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients…

First surgeon says, “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.”

Second surgeon says, “Nah – librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

Third surgeon responds, “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!”

Fourth surgeon intercedes,” I prefer lawyers.They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.”

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”




Waiting  and waiting in Line

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.


A Diner Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”



Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, and the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 

“Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”




Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven…

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

Saint Peter goes on, “Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?”

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?” “Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!”

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but … you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”

“How about the next one” says Saint Peter, “how many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest. “But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, Saint Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says, “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second….”

“Hold it,” interrupts Saint Peter. “I see where you’re going with it.”

“And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

I’ll give you credit for that one too.”

“Let’s go on with the next and final question,” says Saint Peter, “Can you tell me God’s first name?”

Forest says, “Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard.”

“Howard?” asks Saint Peter. “What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?”

Forest answers, “It’s in the prayer.”

“The prayer?” asks Saint Peter, “Which prayer?”

“The Lord’s Prayer,” responds Forest: “Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name…”



So, this senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you “He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. “I must be going nuts,” he thought, “There’s no one here.”

The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”

Again all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked rather loudly.

“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?” he asked.

“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess, and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age,” he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.


A local news station was interviewing 80-year-old women on why she had recently got married for the 4th time.  They wanted to know her secret for finding love again and again.

The interviewer asked her a few questions about her life, and about what it felt like to be a bride again at 80.  The he asked what her new husband did for a living. 

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

The newsperson was surprised at her answer and wondered who else she had married.  He then asked if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.  Her life had been full of exciting moments, especially with three husbands.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s and a preacher when in her 60’s and now in her 80’s a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiles and explains, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.


A man from Dublin moves to County Cork. His first night there he patronizes the local pub, and orders three pints at the same time.

The bartender is curious but doesn’t say anything. He serves the man his three pints. The new customer sits quietly and drinks all three beers.

The next night and the next, the same thing happens. Each night the man orders three pints all at once and sits quietly drinking. Since nobody knows him, he becomes known to the locals as “The Three Pint Man.”

After a week, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him. He asks the man why he always orders three pints at once.

The friendly customer explains, “My two brothers have moved away. One to Canada and one to New Zealand. We all miss each other, so we agreed to always order three pints as a way of remembering each other every day.”

Word spreads. The locals respect and admire this quaint family ritual. Eventually “Three Pint Man” becomes a minor celebrity.

Then the day after St. Patrick’s Day he comes into the pub as usual, but only orders two pints. The bartender and the locals are shocked. They realize one of the brothers has met with an untimely end, and they respectfully let “Three Pint Man” drink in peace.

After a week, the bartender decides to offer his condolences. “I’m sorry about the loss of your brother,” says the barkeep. “Which one was it? The Canadian or the Kiwi?”

“What?” says Three Pint Man. “Oh no, nobody’s died, nothing like that. My brothers are both fine. It’s just that I overdid it a bit on St. Pats, so I decided to give up drinking for the rest of Lent.”


It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No”, says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbor says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No”, he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”



It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

“No”, says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbor says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No”, he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”


400 Passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City.

It was only discovered after take-off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, “Ladies and gentlemen; we don’t know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal to someone else, will receive unlimited free liquor for the duration of the flight! “Her next announcement came six hours later: “Ladies and gentlemen, if anyone wants to change their mind, we still have 180 dinners available.”


The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good-looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

“May I help you?”  She asked.

“I want to see Penny,” the man replied.

“Sir, Penny is one of our most expensive ladies.  Perhaps you would prefer someone else?” said the madam.

“No.  I must see Penny,” was the man’s reply.

Just then, Penny appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred-dollar bills, gave them to Penny, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Penny.

Penny explained that no-one had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive and there were no discounts.  The price was still $1,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Penny and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Penny, and they went upstairs.

After their “session”, Penny questioned the man.  “No-one has ever been with me three nights in a row.  Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “South Carolina.”

“Really?” she said.  “I have family in South Carolina.”

“I know,” the man said.  “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney.  She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

  1. Death
  2. Taxes
  3. Being screwed by a lawyer


The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.  “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.  Use big people words!”

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.”

She said, “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.  Use big people words.”

She then asked Bobby what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

That’s WONDEEFULL!” the teacher said.  “What book did you read?”

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,…

“Winnie the Shit.”



Young Minnesotan shocks his boss at his new job in Florida

A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.

The manager asks. “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.  “You start tomorrow.  I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.  After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

“How many customers bought something from you today?”

The kid, says “One”

The boss says, “Just one?  Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day.  How much was the sale for?”

The kid replies, “$101,237.65.”

The boss says, “$101,237.65?  What the heck did you sell?”

The kid says, “first, I sold him a small fishhook.  Then I sold him a medium fishhook.  Then I sold him a larger fishhook.  Then I sold him a new fishing rod.”

The kid continued, “Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.  Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him the 4X4 Expedition.”

The boss said. “A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”

The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,…

“Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.”


Man Starts To Tell A Blonde Joke In A Bar Full Of Girls.  Then This Happens

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the women next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1  The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2 The bounce is a blonde girl with a “Billy-Club”.

3 I’m a 6-foot tall, 175 blonde women with a black belt in karate.

4 The women sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5 The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

“Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy… Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, “No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times…..”


Mom Suspects Her son of Sleeping with his Roommate

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how pretty his roommate was.  She had a long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.


Reading his mom’s thought, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.”


About a week later, his roommate came to him saying. “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver plate. You don’t suppose your mother took it, do you?”


He said, “Well I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure!”  He sat down and wrote,


“Dear Mom

After your visit with me the silver plate has been missing.  I’m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my  house, and I’m not saying you didn’t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”


A ham operator is operating Field Day alone at a deserted beach. He is taking a little break from the action, walking around on the beach and notices an antique brass bottle mostly buried in the sand. He digs it out and discovers it’s a genie bottle! He manages to get it open and a genie appears. “Thank you for freeing me, O Master!” said the grateful genie. “I will grant you any one wish you want.” The ham thinks about it and says, “OK, I got it. I live right now in a restrictive neighborhood. I would like to have a 500 foot tower with all sorts of antennas, despite the homeowners association.” The genie looks worried. “O Master! That’s a big order. The power of these HOAs and their CC&Rs is most powerful! In fact, they are more powerful than even I, O Master! I would beg you to please choose something else for your wish.” The ham says, “OK, let’s do this.” He goes over to his ham station and pulls out his log books. “See this entry? This is a contact I once made with KK7AYJ. I would sure like to get her QSL card after all this time.” The genie looks at the logbook. Then he says, “Now regarding that 500 foot antenna tower, do you want it galvanized or stainless steel?”



What A Boy Wants For Christmas


Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Macy’s one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’

What A Girl Wants For Christmas


The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a Emily, young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Now, we all know that Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. ‘What do would you like me to bring her?’

Without turning a hair Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

Reindeer’s Story at Christmas


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


The Secret To A Long Happy Marriage. This Couple Has A System

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled, and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once.

“We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That’s twice.”

“We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??” She looked at me, and quietly said, “That’s once.”


A Warm Witty Short Christmas Story

It was the day after Christmas at St Peter and St Paul’s church in
Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the nativity
scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, Father John’s thoughts turned to calling in the local
policeman but as he was about to do so, he saw little Nathan with a red
wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

Father John approached Nathan and asked him, ‘Well, Nathan, where did you
get the little infant?’

Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, ‘I took him from the church.’

‘And why did you take him?’

With a sheepish grin, Nathan said, ‘Well, Father John, about a week
before Christmas I prayed to Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a
red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.’


Jack the Cowboy.

Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances toward him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process.

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“

Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“

The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.

The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.

Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he uses an Air Print printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“

“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“

Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.

After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“

The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“

No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want pay for an answer I already know; to a question, I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”


House Buying: A Humorous Tale

The building is all completed and awaiting hand over, before that can happen the Alex wants some poor and incomplete work finished as is normal at these times.

A meeting is arranged between Alex, the main contractor and a sub-contractor, site agent, planning supervisor and site safety manager. A tour is planned of the
building to look at relevant defects starting on ground floor. Alex points out badly fitting window frames, the site agent makes some notes and the
sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

‘Green side up.’

They move to the first floor and Alex points out badly fitted and missing lights, the site agent makes some notes and the sub-contractor goes to the
window and shouts,

‘Green side up.’

On the 2nd floor more problems are highlighted, radiator leaking, exposed cables, waste and broken window frame, the site agent makes some notes and
the sub-contractor goes to the window and shouts,

‘Green side up.’

This is too much. The safety manager has to ask. So he says, ‘Every time you are told a defect tell, you write it down, but then the subbie yells out
the window

‘Green side up.’ What on earth does that mean?’

The sub-contractor shakes his head ruefully and says, ‘I have four blokes laying turf around the building.


Changing it up a little this week, this is a Tribute for Veteran’s Thank you Annette KK7AYJ for bringing this to us this week.

A Veteran’s Day Tribute

If someone has done military service,
They earn the title “veteran,” and more;
They earn our deep respect and admiration;
That they are special no one can ignore.

They sacrificed the comforts we enjoy;
The list is long of all the things they gave.
Our veterans are extraordinary people;
They’re loyal, dedicated, true and brave.

When terror and invasion were real threats,
They showed us they could handle any storm.
We owe our freedoms and our very lives
To our veterans, who served in uniform.

Our veterans should be celebrities;
They’re exceptional; no other group compares.
We’re grateful for the many things they’ve done;

They’re always in our hearts and in our prayers.

We owe our veterans support and friendship;
Let no one ever question what they’re worth.
These men and women served us and our country,

Our veterans–the very best on earth.


Swapping places:

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

Now Einstein’s driver Tom looked remarkably like him, a fact of which Einstein was well aware.

In the car on the way to the conference Einstein said, “You know Tom, I’m sick of speaking at conferences. I just say the same things over and over!“

Tom smiled and said, “You’re right. I’ve attended all of them with you and even though I’m not a scientist, I’m sure I could give the conference in your place.“

“Now that’s a great idea Tom!” said Einstein. “Let’s switch places.“

So they immediately switch clothes, Einstein hands Tom his notes and when they arrive at the conference, Tom goes on stage and he starts giving the speech.

Meanwhile dressed in the driver’s uniform, Einstein sits at the side of the stage.

Unfortunately lurking in the audience is one scientist who is determined to impress everyone by asking a difficult question he hopes Einstein will not be able to answer.

When he gets his chance, this guy seizes the moment and interrupts the conference with his very difficult question.

It’s a real curveball and the audience knows it. The whole room is silent, holding their breath, waiting for Einstein’s response. You could hear a pin drop.

However, Tom has been around the block a few times and he wasn’t easily fazed.

He looked the guy dead in the eye, smiled at him and said, “Sir, to demonstrate how easy to answer your question is, I will let my driver reply to it for me.“


What happened when a boy vampire met a girl vampire?
It was love at first bite!

How does a girl vampire flirt?
She bats her eyes.

What’s did the girl say when a vampire kissed her?
It was a pain in the neck.

What do you call a skeleton who won’t work?
Lazy bones.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A trom-bone!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

Why don’t skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

What was the favorite game at the ghosts’ birthday party?
Hide and shriek.

Why do mummies make good employees?
They get all wrapped up in their work.

Who did the ghost invite to his party?
Anyone he could dig up!

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

How can you tell if a vampire likes baseball?
The night that he goes into a bat.

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie.

Where do mummies go for a swim?
To the dead sea.

What kind of streets do zombies like to haunt?
Dead end streets.

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count duckula.

What’s a monster’s favorite Shakespeare play?
Romeo and ghouliet.

Who does Dracula get mail from?
His fang club.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire ?


What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

 Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit.

 What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

 Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?

Cause everyone was a goblin.

 Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.

 Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A bloodhound.

 What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.

 What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!

 Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.

 Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.


Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening.  The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’


Quasimodo’s Replacement

After Quasimodo’s death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.

Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

Bishop Thomas was incredulous. ‘You have no arms.’

”No matter,’ said the man, ‘observe!’ He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, ‘Bishop, who was this man?’

‘I don’t know his name,’ the bishop sadly replied, ‘but his face rings a bell.’


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.’”


Young Man Buys Condoms Thinking That Tonight’s the Night.  Then This Happens.

A young man goes into a drug story to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot.  I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night.  We’re having dinner with her parent, and then we’re going out.  And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.”

“Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me that 12 pack.”

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.  He asks if he might give a blessing and they agree.  He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, “You never told that you were such a religious person.”

The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”


Betty was a little old lady, who was always cheerful and quite happy with her life.

But lately she had started having a bit of a problem.

One day she goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.  My farts never smell and are always silent.”

The doctor replies, “Is that so?”

Betty continues, “Yes! As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.  You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see.  Take these pills and come back to see me next week”.

Betty goes home to takes her pills as prescribed and suddenly she starts seeing some big changes in her everyday life.  The next week she goes back to the doctor.

“Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent …stink terribly.”

The doctor nods and says, “Good!  Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”


Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!” A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!” “That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!” A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You’re the father of quadruplets.” “That’s strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!” The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What’s wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”


An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. “I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!” The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. “Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”



Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, “Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?” The Birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The Birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, “It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch, It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever poked my pecker into.”


This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”


Penguins Day Out

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help. The truck driver replied, “If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!” The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren’t there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, “What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!” The man replied, “I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie.”


Things can quickly turn complicate if two people from the same family start relationships with two people from another family.

An Alabaman went to see a psychiatrist because of his drinking problem.  He sat down on the couch in his office, and the psychiatrist asked him “So, can you tell me the reason why you’re drinking?”

The patient took a deep breath and said, “Sure, I know exactly why I’m drinking, and I’ll tell you right now.  It all started when I got married, and I guess I should never have done it.  I met and married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.”

The man went on, “One day, my dad came to visit us.  He promptly fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter and eventually married her.  And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.  Soon me and my wife has a son who was, of course my dad’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now of course my dad’s wife.

So as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my dad, she was also my stepmother!  Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.  As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother.  Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

It gets better:  I am now my wife’s grandson.  Since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.”

The psychiatrist looked horrified, took a deep breath and said, “Now I understand why you drink.  Keep it up!”


An Expensive Suit

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”


Driving Test

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his Dad if he could start using the family car.

The Dad said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks, the Dad said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

His Dad replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”


The Man with The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $18.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich return to the same restaurant and the guy says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again, the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant, and the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad”, says the guy.

“Me too,” says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $42.62.”

Once again, the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the guy, “several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the guy.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The guy sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”


Preacher’s Wife

A couple were going on a vacation together, but the wife had an emergency at work. So, they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there ok.

As he typed in her email address, he made a typo, and his email was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died just the day before.

When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the vacationer, let out an awful, loud, piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.

At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.


Speeding Motorist

Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”

The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”

The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”

The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”

The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”

“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”

The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.

The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup

Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car.

However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”

The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”


Tricky Jar

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.”

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him.

So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”

The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”


Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, “God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa.”

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, “Why did you say the last part?” His daughter replies, “Because I needed to.” The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, “It must just be a sad coincidence.”

That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, “God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma.”

Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, “Can my daughter really see into the future?” The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.

For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter’s bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers.

Sure enough, he hears her say, “God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy.” Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, ‘”Oh God, I’m going to die tomorrow!”

The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment.

He is so nervous that he doesn’t leave the office until it’s past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, “How is this possible? I should be dead!”

He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, “Where have you been? What took you so long?”

Bill replies, “Listen honey, today I haven’t had the best of days” and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, “I saw the mailman die yesterday!”


This Will Rot More than Your Teeth

A hospital’s consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses in San Francisco Bay Area.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous, and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’


Helicopter Ride

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel.

The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said.

When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”

Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”


Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly, someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old-timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

Moral of the story: Never underestimate an old man.


Money’s too tight to mention:

Two old friends, Mary and Jane, were going shopping at Ham Radio Outlet in Portland, Oregon.

Mary was a spendthrift and she had a bad habit of constantly overdrawing her bank account.

Before leaving for HRO, Jane complained about her own lack of funds and sadly lamented, “If I buy anything, I guess I’ll have to use plastic.”

Unconcerned, Mary just whipped out her checkbook and said, “Well I’ll be using rubber.”


Attempting to get blood from a stone:

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s wealthy banker, so the director decided to make a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”


The new bus driver pulled his bus up at the bus stop and on stepped a giant of a man who said to the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before walking off and taking his seat.

Well Big John was aptly named, he really was a monster of a man and the driver was small and skinny, so he figured that a confrontation with Big John may not end well. Not for him anyway. So he let it go.

The next day the same thing happened. The bus stopped, Big John got on, and once again he told the driver, “Big John don’t pay!” before going straight to his seat.

Again the new driver was reluctant to challenge him because of his size.

Well, this became a daily occurrence and increasingly the new bus driver began to resent being afraid of Big John.

So he decided to sign up for a bodybuilding class at his local gym. He figured that if he was more muscular he’d be equipped to challenge Big John and force him to pay the fare. This became an obsession with him and he worked hard on it.

Before long the bus driver had rippling muscles where once there had only been skin and bone. And as his physical appearance became more impressive, the driver felt confident and ready to confront Big John the next time he got on his bus.

Sure enough, at the usual stop, onto the bus stepped Big John, with his usual declaration, “Big John don’t pay!”

“Now just hold it there fella!” said the driver, ready and waiting for a confrontation. “And just why don’t Big John pay?”

Well, the situation was tense momentarily as Big John reached into his pocket and the driver began to wonder whether he’d done the right thing after all.

Then Big John smiled as he withdrew his hand from his pocket and said, “Because I’ve got this bus pass!”


A young Catholic couple, Patrick and Bernadette, were on their way to the church to get married. Sadly their lives were cruelly cut short by a road traffic accident just before they would have reached their destination.

Nevertheless, they’d lived good and decent lives, so naturally, in an instant, they found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates in front of St Peter as he reviewed a clipboard to confirm their names were on the list.

As they stood there, Patrick said to St Peter, “Will it still be possible for us to get married in Heaven?”

“To be honest, I’m not sure”, said St Peter. “Believe it or not, this has never happened before. If you’ll bear with me, I will check it out for you.”

With that, St Peter disappeared.

So Patrick and Bernadette sat down on a nearby golden bench and they waited. And waited, and waited, and waited. They waited so long that a couple of months passed.

Naturally, in that time they chatted about their future and the challenges of being married and the fact that many of their friends who’d married found it wasn’t always forever. Circumstances often change and relationships can suffer.

Eventually, St Peter reappeared looking a little flustered.

“Well”, said St Peter, “I have some good news for you both. I’m pleased to be able to tell you that you will be to get married here in Heaven.”

“Oh, that’s great!” said Bernadette enthusiastically.

Patrick wasn’t quite so enthusiastic in his reaction though.

“St Peter, I was just wondering”, said Patrick, “If we were to marry and things didn’t work out, would we be able to divorce in Heaven?”

St Peter’s response suggested that he was irritated by Patrick’s question, as he slammed his clipboard angrily on the ground.

“St Peter, what’s the matter?” Bernadette enquired.

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake!” said St Peter. “It’s taken me almost three months to find a priest here in Heaven. Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?“


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.’

Watson replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’

‘What does that tell you?’

Watson ponders for a minute.’
Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ‘Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.’


I was going to tell you a joke about an egg …

… but it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Why is the Easter Bunny so lucky?

Because he has four rabbits’ feet!


A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?”
“To the kitchen,” he replies.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down, because you know you’ll forget it.”
He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream — I got it, for goodness sake!” Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says… “Where’s my toast?

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